invisible mountain part 2

In a previous post I mentioned the feeling that there was an invisible mountain in front of me, on the surface this might seem a little dramatic, but anyone who knows me knows I am not that way.  I'm not a dramatic person, far from it in fact, so the mountain is more of a self actualization than some sort of an attempt for attention.  I think the best way to describe my situation using a saying people are familiar with would be - I don't look good on paper.

The reason I mention it is because this is something I believe many people have in common, many people who find themselves in the position to have to start their lives over.  My invisible mountain exists as a direct result of me making poor choices as a young man and continuing to do this until the present day.  These were my decisions and I take responsibility for them as no person or no particular thing made them for me.  Most of these bad decisions were directly related to my propensity to abuse drugs and alcohol, but this is a hurdle not an excuse.  The bottom line is that the road is distinctly uphill at this point and I spend a great deal of time wondering if things will be any different this time.

As I plan on making a move, I do what I always do, I think.  Recently I have thought about things in a more positive light than I have in the past though.  Partially from experience, but also because I am trying something different.

Today I am thinking that personal strengths and weaknesses are not black and white, and I am searching in the grey.

#manhunt hangover

Yesterday was my day off and I had a lot of stuff today considering there are only a few weeks left until I leave for Las Vegas.  Like most days I had MSNBC on the t.v. while i was working at my desk, but this day was different.  Boston marathon bomber suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was on the loose and the entire city of Boston was locked down while the police searched for him.

This is one of those kind of news stories that you just can't stop watching, like the worst kind of being stuck because at any moment it might all come to an end.  At some point while looking through the twitter feed I found this link for the police scanner stream and following the news story was taken to a whole new level.  I am not sure who creates a stream that broadcasts a specific police scanner channel in real time, but holy hell this added to a complete inability to tear myself away from the desk.  The only thing I can compare this to in my lifetime is watching the footage of the beginning of Desert Storm on CNN in 1991.

The world changes everyday, even if it is only in little ways.  It almost always gives me a hangover on the day after.

invisible mountain

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind, this is usual.  The thing getting lots of play in the rotation is that I am getting ready to move in a little more than 6 weeks and once again start over. I've got a plan, it is the best one I've thought of, but I imagine it's the kind that when you tell other people about it they immediately wonder what is wrong with you.

I'm in the shower, washing my hair thinking about moving and thinking about words.  I am thinking about where I am both geographically and overall in my life.  I can't help but think I am out of sight so I am thinking about words like unseen, covert, ghostly, unobserved and so on.  I am also thinking about what is ahead and there seems to be an unmistakable mountain to climb.  Not like a mountain with a clear cut path to the top with places for stopping and taking in scenic views from overlooks, but like a big impending obstacle of something much larger than your average hill.

So I think more about words and I come up with this idea for a name for my new blog - "Invisible Mountain". I know this is the right one, but as you can see it is not the name that I settled on. After toweling off I did a quick google search and realized that Carolina De Robertis had already wrote a book with that name.  I didn't read it, or even the whole review for that matter, but it doesn't seem to be about the same thing I was thinking about in the shower. It wasn't too much longer before I settled on Unseen, Uphill which had also crossed my mind more than once. We could have a conversation about how all the good ideas have been used, but I think that would underestimate human ingenuity.  We could also have a conversation on how cool it is that so much information is so readily available to people these days, but why derail a good thing.

Sometimes you see movies and they make you think of something new.  Other times you watch movies and you instantly connect with them because they are talking about things that you have felt and thought before.  Olso August 31st is the latter of the two, and I think even from the trailer you can see how it connects with my invisible mountain.  It is also a pretty good movie to watch if you are the kind of guy or girl who doesn't mind reading subtitles, it may have particular gravity if you have experience with recovery from an addiction like i do.

how to start a blog

I am not blogger.  Well, I guess I should say that I have never made a blog or a blog post. However, for the past couple of days I have been thinking of starting a project and I've settled on this, my own blog.

When I did a google search on how to start a blog the overall impression I got is that before you start one you need to decide what you are going to blog about.  I have failed in this effort thus far, but I am motivated to figure this out.  It will be about my life and the transition I am about to make but I hardly expect that that in itself would be interesting enough to entice traffic here.   I am in the process of starting over so I have the luxury to change things into whatever I would like them to be, and that is something.

So I guess I will start with what this blog is not.  This blog is not an attempt to justify my decision to move to Las Vegas and try to play poker for a living for a while.  This blog is not a deluded attempt to glorify my existence or to somehow validate my choice of lifestyle.  Although I will try to explain this as it may seem impossible to explain to some people.

The idea I have for this blog is that it can challenge me to think about my life in the world that we all live in and to keep me honest with my direction in it. It may start off slow but I am hoping that I can settle in to routine that includes regular updates.

I want to be hungry again.  Can a person become hungry again?