Saying Goodbye.

The weather was perfect on my walk home and I feel a little bit lighter.  It hasn't sunk in yet, but there is no mistaking that this really is the end of this chapter.  Tomorrow I will load up everything I own, luckily it all fits in my luggage, and I will ride away from this place for the last time.  Its 64 degrees, it’s quiet, there are a gazillion stars in the sky, and my last day of work is over.

I would have never come to Oklahoma on purpose, and if you would have told me two and half years ago that this is where I would be, and would have been for the past two years, I would have laughed at you.  There were no plans I might have dreamed up that would have put me here, and I am the kind of person that dreams up plans.  But, as history can now indicate beyond dispute, this is where I called home since May 18^th, 2011.  I've made friends, I was lucky enough to have a job where I could help people, and I was a good employee.  I've left a lot of places, but this time is different because I leave knowing things are good and it’s just time to move on.  To say it is good I mean the experience was, I wouldn't just randomly move on if things at the job were good were like that.  I mean you have a goal and you accomplish it so when it is time to leave you have no regrets, or hard feelings about what you had just done.  You just don't slip out when no one is looking hoping not to have make eye contact or explain yourself.

Saying goodbye is always a let down.  I used to really get caught up with it though, never could get used to it.  Seems like everything should just stop and it could all last a little longer.  At this point with the way I've lived it is all too normal.  People and places come and go and I just try to remember the things worth remembering.   

I've met a lot of people here that I will remember and some I'm sure I will see again.  I can sleep OK, got a big trip tomorrow.

One of my favorite songs/performances that I've come across lately, unreally beautiful

invisible mountain part 2

In a previous post I mentioned the feeling that there was an invisible mountain in front of me, on the surface this might seem a little dramatic, but anyone who knows me knows I am not that way.  I'm not a dramatic person, far from it in fact, so the mountain is more of a self actualization than some sort of an attempt for attention.  I think the best way to describe my situation using a saying people are familiar with would be - I don't look good on paper.

The reason I mention it is because this is something I believe many people have in common, many people who find themselves in the position to have to start their lives over.  My invisible mountain exists as a direct result of me making poor choices as a young man and continuing to do this until the present day.  These were my decisions and I take responsibility for them as no person or no particular thing made them for me.  Most of these bad decisions were directly related to my propensity to abuse drugs and alcohol, but this is a hurdle not an excuse.  The bottom line is that the road is distinctly uphill at this point and I spend a great deal of time wondering if things will be any different this time.

As I plan on making a move, I do what I always do, I think.  Recently I have thought about things in a more positive light than I have in the past though.  Partially from experience, but also because I am trying something different.

Today I am thinking that personal strengths and weaknesses are not black and white, and I am searching in the grey.

invisible mountain

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind, this is usual.  The thing getting lots of play in the rotation is that I am getting ready to move in a little more than 6 weeks and once again start over. I've got a plan, it is the best one I've thought of, but I imagine it's the kind that when you tell other people about it they immediately wonder what is wrong with you.

I'm in the shower, washing my hair thinking about moving and thinking about words.  I am thinking about where I am both geographically and overall in my life.  I can't help but think I am out of sight so I am thinking about words like unseen, covert, ghostly, unobserved and so on.  I am also thinking about what is ahead and there seems to be an unmistakable mountain to climb.  Not like a mountain with a clear cut path to the top with places for stopping and taking in scenic views from overlooks, but like a big impending obstacle of something much larger than your average hill.

So I think more about words and I come up with this idea for a name for my new blog - "Invisible Mountain". I know this is the right one, but as you can see it is not the name that I settled on. After toweling off I did a quick google search and realized that Carolina De Robertis had already wrote a book with that name.  I didn't read it, or even the whole review for that matter, but it doesn't seem to be about the same thing I was thinking about in the shower. It wasn't too much longer before I settled on Unseen, Uphill which had also crossed my mind more than once. We could have a conversation about how all the good ideas have been used, but I think that would underestimate human ingenuity.  We could also have a conversation on how cool it is that so much information is so readily available to people these days, but why derail a good thing.

Sometimes you see movies and they make you think of something new.  Other times you watch movies and you instantly connect with them because they are talking about things that you have felt and thought before.  Olso August 31st is the latter of the two, and I think even from the trailer you can see how it connects with my invisible mountain.  It is also a pretty good movie to watch if you are the kind of guy or girl who doesn't mind reading subtitles, it may have particular gravity if you have experience with recovery from an addiction like i do.

how to start a blog

I am not blogger.  Well, I guess I should say that I have never made a blog or a blog post. However, for the past couple of days I have been thinking of starting a project and I've settled on this, my own blog.

When I did a google search on how to start a blog the overall impression I got is that before you start one you need to decide what you are going to blog about.  I have failed in this effort thus far, but I am motivated to figure this out.  It will be about my life and the transition I am about to make but I hardly expect that that in itself would be interesting enough to entice traffic here.   I am in the process of starting over so I have the luxury to change things into whatever I would like them to be, and that is something.

So I guess I will start with what this blog is not.  This blog is not an attempt to justify my decision to move to Las Vegas and try to play poker for a living for a while.  This blog is not a deluded attempt to glorify my existence or to somehow validate my choice of lifestyle.  Although I will try to explain this as it may seem impossible to explain to some people.

The idea I have for this blog is that it can challenge me to think about my life in the world that we all live in and to keep me honest with my direction in it. It may start off slow but I am hoping that I can settle in to routine that includes regular updates.

I want to be hungry again.  Can a person become hungry again?