invisible mountain part 2

In a previous post I mentioned the feeling that there was an invisible mountain in front of me, on the surface this might seem a little dramatic, but anyone who knows me knows I am not that way.  I'm not a dramatic person, far from it in fact, so the mountain is more of a self actualization than some sort of an attempt for attention.  I think the best way to describe my situation using a saying people are familiar with would be - I don't look good on paper.

The reason I mention it is because this is something I believe many people have in common, many people who find themselves in the position to have to start their lives over.  My invisible mountain exists as a direct result of me making poor choices as a young man and continuing to do this until the present day.  These were my decisions and I take responsibility for them as no person or no particular thing made them for me.  Most of these bad decisions were directly related to my propensity to abuse drugs and alcohol, but this is a hurdle not an excuse.  The bottom line is that the road is distinctly uphill at this point and I spend a great deal of time wondering if things will be any different this time.

As I plan on making a move, I do what I always do, I think.  Recently I have thought about things in a more positive light than I have in the past though.  Partially from experience, but also because I am trying something different.

Today I am thinking that personal strengths and weaknesses are not black and white, and I am searching in the grey.

invisible mountain

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind, this is usual.  The thing getting lots of play in the rotation is that I am getting ready to move in a little more than 6 weeks and once again start over. I've got a plan, it is the best one I've thought of, but I imagine it's the kind that when you tell other people about it they immediately wonder what is wrong with you.

I'm in the shower, washing my hair thinking about moving and thinking about words.  I am thinking about where I am both geographically and overall in my life.  I can't help but think I am out of sight so I am thinking about words like unseen, covert, ghostly, unobserved and so on.  I am also thinking about what is ahead and there seems to be an unmistakable mountain to climb.  Not like a mountain with a clear cut path to the top with places for stopping and taking in scenic views from overlooks, but like a big impending obstacle of something much larger than your average hill.

So I think more about words and I come up with this idea for a name for my new blog - "Invisible Mountain". I know this is the right one, but as you can see it is not the name that I settled on. After toweling off I did a quick google search and realized that Carolina De Robertis had already wrote a book with that name.  I didn't read it, or even the whole review for that matter, but it doesn't seem to be about the same thing I was thinking about in the shower. It wasn't too much longer before I settled on Unseen, Uphill which had also crossed my mind more than once. We could have a conversation about how all the good ideas have been used, but I think that would underestimate human ingenuity.  We could also have a conversation on how cool it is that so much information is so readily available to people these days, but why derail a good thing.

Sometimes you see movies and they make you think of something new.  Other times you watch movies and you instantly connect with them because they are talking about things that you have felt and thought before.  Olso August 31st is the latter of the two, and I think even from the trailer you can see how it connects with my invisible mountain.  It is also a pretty good movie to watch if you are the kind of guy or girl who doesn't mind reading subtitles, it may have particular gravity if you have experience with recovery from an addiction like i do.